Sunday, June 26, 2011

The writing space; it is the one area in which authors feel completely comfortable and in control, except when staring at a blank document for 45 minutes and panic begins. It is our domain, our kingdom, our private place. We can do anything with it, up to and including having hidden caches of chocolate bars and Twinkies, or lining the desk with ugly trinkets and funny objects. It is where we do our best work (sometimes) and when it comes time to dismantle it and move to another place, the writer becomes distraught and confused. In this instance, a mild sedative usually helps.

Here are a few useful tips to help ease the situation:

1.) Don’t Panic

2.) When forced to clear your desk out (usually at the last minute) leave your laptop connected. If you have nowhere to sit or place the laptop, use the floor or a space between boxes. In the event that your internet has been shut off, just hug your laptop. This produces temporary euphoria due to the release of endorphins

3.) If you have no laptop (this is the darkest stage of the process) keep a pen and notebook handy. Your writing may come out rather garbled, illegible and incoherent, but even the act of scribbling randomly will help ease the tension. Chant your favorite mantra for extra relief.

4.) In the unlikely event that no pen or paper is available, and no laptop, DO NOT PANIC – it is only temporary! In this case, food makes a good substitute (Pizza, beer, tacos, anything bad for you will do.)

5.) If you cannot write, read! Anything mindless, like a Dan Brown Book, will do. It’ll help you relax knowing you can write a better book in your sleep. In fact, the book may produce sleep-inducing enzymes that will help you relax (Or if you’re me, throw a tantrum and whip the book off the 8th floor balcony, which also helps relieve tension)

A Final Communiqué

This may be my last transmission for a while – the situation around me is quickly deteriorating; there are boxes everywhere, and the Television has been packed up. The stereo too (although I have a small one here beside me) and the only amusement we’ll have left until Wednesday is the dog!

Monday the internet goes off. This may be the darkest time yet – I will be unable to communicate to all of you for a time (except by way of the Library which has free internet service, but who wants to do that? Yuck. Although I may become desperate enough to drag my laptop over there and fight for a spot because plugs are limited there, and once the geek-boys get settled in, it’s over: nothing but ass-grooves and pocket-protectors)

It’s not all bad. There’s the new writing space to consider. The possibilities are endless; you can get a new lamp, new pens, heck, even a new laptop just for the occasion. How about an elaborate Surround Sound system to place around your space? Fiber optic lights to line your desk? And books! Now you can buy 12 more book shelves and fill them up. A coffee maker would go nicely on the corner of the desk. Maybe a slow-cooker too (your significant other will protest heavily, but this is our space!)

There are all sorts of possibilities to make you feel better about the move – and forget about the pain of lugging all your books and papers and office junk across the city (or even the continent), see? Glass half full.

But in all likelihood, you’ll just shove your old desk against a wall and put the laptop on it and start writing again, just like me.

Okay, I’m off. As I write this my roomie keeps walking behind me and asking me to do stuff, like pack. But I wanted to finish writing this before it all goes dark.

Keep a candle in the window for me.

Your pal, David.


  1. This is just too funny!
    Lucky me, r.v. living has conditioned me to live out of a carry-on. I can fit everything I need for writing into one case, so I'm always prepared to move my 'Writer's Space' to a new location.
    Portable Office! YAY!
    But...I do get funny looks when I roll it into the library-the only place with tables big enough for me to spread out all my stuff for a Plotting Session.

  2. Hilarious! I raise my half-full glass to you and look forward to reconnecting after the move.

  3. Amen to #3! I hope your move hasn't been too traumatic.

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